Hey, It's Liam

HERE ARE FIVE JOKES I TOLD IN THE ’90s THAT MADE AUDIENCES HATE ME
(back when I was a much hackier edgier LES comedian)

* I’m looking for one thing in a woman, and that’s my penis.

* My favorite holiday is Election Day. Because it’s the one day of the year when they have to let you within 500 feet of the elementary school. It’s my Halloween, because I wear a mask. And hand out candy.

* So, if I go to the animal shelter and pick out a dog to take home, I’m a great guy. But if I go to the battered womens’ shelter… apparently, I’m an asshole.

* I was talking to my buddy, and he was telling me that the most charismatic man in history was John F. Kennedy. And I agree, Kennedy was charismatic. But I said, the most charismatic man in history had to have been the first guy to convince his girlfriend to let him take a dump on her face as part of sex. I can barely get a woman to return my phone calls. What did this guy say? “Hey honey, remember last week when I took you the opera and you said this week we could do anything I want to do…?”

* I’m going on memory here, and I’m not 100% certain how it goes, so there was the joke about Schindler’s List, and about how on the LaserDisc (!) there was a prologue cut form the movie, with William Hurt as Hitler and through the magic of CGI technology, Chico Marx as Goebbels.
“Chicolini, I want you to get me a lemonade and a juice.”
“Eliminate-a da jews? Hokay boss, I eliminate-a da jews for you.”
And it turned out Schindler’s List was a wacky comedy.

And the less said about re-imagining ‘King Kong’ as a Woody Allen NYC comedy or ironically doing a bit about ‘Squanto: A Warrior’s Tale’ as a bad Robert DeNiro impression, the better, I think

A WONDERFUL STORY

Four years ago, I was on Delancey heading to Tell Your Friends!, and I stopped to text a friend just as a NY CORRECTIONS bus—a schoolbus with grates on the side blocking the windows painted in the NYPD colors white and blue—pulled up to stop at the light. There was a crowd of delightful young urchins, real Dickens characters, hanging out on the street, and a voice from the Corrections bus yelled to one of the kids, “Hey you!”

A little Hispanic kid looked around and the Voice said, “Yeah you! Come here!”

The Hispanic kid looked around again, and the Voice shouted, “Come here, faggot!”

The little Hispanic kid kind of awkwardly stood there not moving, and the Voice shouted, “Well fuck you, fucking faggot!”

At that point, the little Hispanic kid got into a half crouch and screamed, “You gonna get RAPED!”

To which his friends started laughing, and a half-second later, the bus exploded in laughter, so loud you could barely hear the Voice screaming, “Fuck you bitch.”

A girl from the group on the street then shouted “Don’t drop the soap!” Causing more laughter all around.

Then the light turned green and the bus rolled away, forcing me to miss what I’m sure was the sound of more merriment drowned out by the gentle hum of tasers. 

This is for sale in the Paley Center For Media’s Gift Shop. Perhaps they will also sell Steampunk VCRs powered by hamsters running in giant wheels.

City Hall station…

This depressing stretch of Queens Boulevard was brought to you by “The Letter C.”